What I spent time on last week: 

• Planning and running a new route

• Waiting for the fire department with my daughter outside her condo (false alarm)

• Reading about how to become a better coach

• Watching Northern Exposure, three episodes of season five

• Search for a lost sock

• Facilitating a leadership workshop 

• Pulling weeds and planting flowers

We do what is important, whether we recognize it in the moment or not. It is always our choice.

My choice? 15 minutes to find the sock. It was tucked into a pillow case. It’s a favorite pair—so it was time well spent.

What are you choosing to do?

From our Issue #33 newsletter

People: A group with common attributes or interests, such as sports fans, car enthusiasts, hunters, runners, suburbanites, et al.

Person: An individual with unique life experiences, emotions, motivations, and intent.

We may think we know the person because of their “people” affiliation. Yet that perspective is incomplete at best.

From our Issue #32 newsletter

The new guy had an idea that might improve results. Yet it was declared “unworkable” and “a waste of time” by the expert and thus the idea died.

Ironically, one of the organization’s values is innovation.

Honestly, the idea would not work and the expert knew why. Too bad the new guy wasn’t supported to explore and question his idea and learn on his own that it wouldn’t work. But that won’t be a problem in the future because the new guy won’t ever offer up anything new again.

From our Issue #31 newsletter

Achieving 90 percent should be considered successful, right? But what about the remaining 10 percent? The 10 percent of things you promised to do that did not get done? Sucks to be those 10 percent, huh? But completing 100 percent? That is unreasonable, right? Yet why choose to miss 10 percent of commitments? How do you choose which 10 percent?

If you know which 10 percent you can’t do, then what’s preventing you from not committing to those in the first place? A crazy thought? No crazier than choosing the wrong 90 percent (and thus the wrong 10 percent as well).

From our Issue #30 newsletter

You had 100 days to live?

You had 1,000 days to live?

You had 10,000 days to live?

You didn’t know how many days you had to live?

How similar are your answers? How different?

From our Issue #29 newsletter

The worst runner in town came in last in the local 5k race.

Actually, that’s not true. The worst runner didn’t even enter.

Well, that’s not true either. The worst runner doesn’t even run.

Starting means not being the best. But not starting is easy (and boring); not starting means you’re in the same place tomorrow as today, which may be ok. But you should at least recognize what you’re deciding not to run.

(Adapted from Seth Godin)

From our Issue #28 newsletter

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.

That sentence was composed by Noam Chomsky in his 1957 book Syntactic Structures as an example of a sentence that is grammatically well formed, but semantically nonsensical.

The sentence demonstrates the distinction between syntax (grammar) and semantics (meaning). In this case, a syntactically well-formed sentence is not guaranteed to be semantically well formed.

So too is leadership. Sometimes our leadership style may adhere to all the rules, yet those around us may have a different opinion of how well it is working.

From our Issue #27 newsletter

The six steps

The seven questions

The five behaviors

The two choices

The sixteen methods

Seeking the easy approach to solve that problem? Need that sure-fire way to find success, happiness, results, rest, peace… [fill in the blank]? There are lots of creative and impactful options. But the easiest?

Do nothing.

From our Issue #26 newsletter

I made a joke about their truck. That was a mistake. They care. A lot. A tremendous a lot. For the truck. I didn’t know that and thus said the wrong thing. And it cost me. This lack of understanding cost me trust and influence and effectiveness and impact. You never know what someone believes unless you ask, curiously.

Me? I don’t care much about trucks. But I do have thoughts about pizza toppings, running etiquette, and the Oxford comma. Just ask me.

From our Issue #25 newsletter

“Well that was two hours I won’t get back,” she said, exiting the movie theater. A waste of time in her view. Maybe. But can we ever “get back” any time we spent?

The expression is, “Time comes and goes.” But it really just “goes.” As for the value we assign to that time—that’s up to us.

I didn’t particularly enjoy the movie, either. But it wasn’t a waste of time—I savored a box of Raisinets.

From our Issue #24 newsletter

The sign next to the coffee machine in the office lobby read:

“Notice! We no longer have coffee available for customers. - The Management.”

“Management”—That generic entity that forces people to do things they don’t want. The mysterious group that is to blame if you don’t like it. “They” made the decision; “they” are responsible for your complaints. “I,” on the other hand, had nothing to do with it.

A few similar “not-my-decision” refrains: “It’s company policy,” “It’s out of my hands,” “My boss made that decision,” “They are the reason for your disappointment, not me!”

Sometimes deferring responsibility feels safe and easy. But it seems more than ever we need less “they” and more “we.”

From our Issue #23 newsletter

Failures:

Batted .000 my first year of Little League

Failed my first college exam

Zero signups for my first leadership workshop program

Failed to qualify for the Boston Marathon on first four attempts

Fired in 2013

After failures:

Batted .250 second year of Little League

Dean’s List last term of college

Planning (a different) second leadership workshop

Qualified for the Boston Marathon on fifth attempt

Discovered a rewarding role in 2014, which allowed me to pursue my true purpose

What successes arose from your failures?

From our Issue #22 newsletter

Interpretation is subjective. “I’m fine,” and “I’m fine.” Same words. Same punctuation. Yet so different. Listen again: “I’m fine.” And “I’m fine.” Hear that difference?

One is perceived as terse, abrupt, and rude; the other as calm, soft, and inviting. Yet they look the same on paper (or in a text or email).

Next time you get an “I’m fine,” it could be worth a question to determine which “fine” it is.

From our Issue #21 newsletter

I pulled up to the dealership to replace a burned out headlamp bulb. I had given up trying after 30 minutes of hand cramps, finger scrapes, and a flurry of curse words.

This will be easier for the dealer technician, I reasoned. And since I am a good customer (purchased four cars at this dealership), I was certain it would be a courtesy repair. While I was prepared to wait for the repair, what I was not prepared for was the charge—$97. A charge the young service rep explained as, “Because of the new owners. They require us to charge for these kinds of things.” “But,” he offered, “you’ll get a car wash.”

Hmmm, I thought. This short-term decision to charge me for a service (one previously completed as a no-cost courtesy) is now not a courtesy, but a transaction. Ok, I get the calculation: 30 minutes of a technician’s time multiplied by their hourly rate. It all adds up.

Yet, it doesn’t. It created a disruption in the relationship I had with this organization. It’s now unbalanced—they “charged” me for the interaction when I expected balance. It has tarnished my relationship with that dealership. Short-term decision vs. long-term impact. A quick win.

Not unlike personal relationships, eh?

Consider this: What behaviors are you choosing that are taking rather than creating value? What are you “charging” those around you for your presence? Are you creating short-term convenience (for you) that creates long-term disruption and pain for others?

We all want to profit from our interactions. Yet, the profit need not be at the detriment to our collective bigger, broader, bolder purpose. Or are you ok asking $97 for a carwash?

From our Issue #20 Newsletter

He never shows up on time.

She always disagrees with me.

They never understand.

I never have time to do that.

Absolutes. They are a handy crutch when things don’t go our way. It’s often easier to believe that’s just the way it is. Yet, rarely is there an “always” or “never.” It is most often a nuanced “sometimes” or “occasionally.” Or, “it depends.” After all, the underdog sometimes wins.

And oh, in case you’re thinking, the sun “always” rises and sets, remember this: each occurrence is different enough that we marvel at its uniqueness.

From our Issue #19 newsletter

Have you ever muttered those words? Ugh. Why did I agree to do this? Why didn’t I think more carefully before getting involved? I should have know better! But now, whatever the reason, you’re in it. And being in it affords you only two options:

Find an excuse to get out of it

Find a way to embrace it

Both viable options.

But I bet the story you tell in a few years of how you embraced it will be more satisfying to recall than the story that got you out of it.

From our Issue #18 newsletter

Blame is easy and convenient. I blame the appliance installer for the leaky dishwasher. I blame my co-worker for missing the project deadline. Blame is simple and easy. And ineffective. I blame; they defend. I rationalize; they justify. In the end it may be emotionally satisfying but blame rarely fixes anything.

But what about cause?

When we approach problems using cause we learn that the installer was not properly trained on my particular dishwasher model. Cause: ineffective training. Solution: identify and fix training gaps.

When we examine the cause of our co-workers missed deadline we discover he never understood the due date. Cause: crappy project communication. Solution: revise project communication.

Blame seeks punishment; cause seeks solutions.

Who are you blaming today?

From our Issue #17 newsletter

I could see the car coming in my rearview mirror. I glimpsed the front vanity license plate and—ugh. It proudly displayed the mascot from the “other” school. I quickly began formulating arguments to their fandom and counterarguments to the counterarguments I would probably encounter—all in my head. I anticipated their arrogance and how they would respond to my school enthusiasm with a condescending chuckle.

As the car approached on my left I readied myself for the stare down. The car slowly came along and I took a side glance wondering what hand gesture awaited me and my school alumni sticker proudly adorning my rear window. And then it happened. Nothing. Well, not nothing. The car passed, its three occupants clearly focused on something other than me.

Once safely clear of my car, the driver politely signaled for a lane change and then moved ahead of me. He followed that maneuver with a thank you hand wave. I lifted a finger off the steering wheel in acknowledgment. The car then exited safely a half mile later, turn signal appropriately engaged.

Maybe next time I’ll resist judgment.

From our Issue #16 newsletter

I recently facilitated a team development session that included some tense moments between two participants. There was some history between the individuals that had ruptured trust. Obviously, the team could not proceed effectively with this hanging in the room. So, being well-practiced on building/rebuilding trust, I provided my advice.

It did not go well.

Advice was not needed (or asked for, for that matter). But I stormed ahead with my ostensible expertise, eager to improve their situation. Yet a universe of knowledge would not have solved this issue. Why? Because neither person was asking for it to be solved. What they wanted (I learned after more conversations—actually more listening) was to simply tell their story; their perspective. They wanted someone to listen without judgment.

Once I understood the real challenge—by asking questions rather than offering advice—we had a chance at success.

It may seem obvious what is needed in a situation, yet sometimes a simple open and caring question such as, “Tell me more about that,” can reveal something more valuable than any solution you can offer.

From our Issue #15 newsletter

Rob’s roommate Austin said he likes things clean. Great. So does Rob. They both agreed that a clean bathroom is a priority and were pleased that this would not create conflict, as it does for many new roommates. Both agreed: there’s nothing worse than a slob roommate.

Then one day as Rob exited the newly cleaned bathroom, Austin walked by and exclaimed, “I just cleaned that!” pointing to the spotless bathroom, glimmering from the scrubbing bubble treatment.

Rob looked at Austin, looked at the sparkling bathroom, and incredulously asked, “Where?”

Austin pointed to the trash basket that contained the tissue Rob just tossed in.

“I just emptied that!” Austin shouted.

Measures of success really do work. When there is clarity of what “success” really means.

From our August 2022 newsletter

Perceptions are 100% Accurate

She lost $400,000 in the latest market correction; he lost $5,000. It was 0.5% of her portfolio. It was 25% of his savings.

They’re jubilant because their team just won the national championship. Their friends are crushed—same game, but fans of the other team.

His direct reports think he is pushy and arrogant. He thinks they’re lazy and don’t care. The team just wants clear accountability and measures of success. So does he.

My college science professor once said that there is only one absolute: everything is relative. Yep, perception—that annoying relative that never goes away.

From our July 2022 newsletter

I can’t get the guy out of my head.

It was a frustrating conversation. How can he believe that? How can he say that? The conversation was so draining I could not get this guy—his perspective—out of my head for a week. I re-analyzed my responses, replaying the conversation over and over again. What could I have said differently? What would have been a more productive response? Ugh. I was consumed—playing back the interaction over and over. Thinking; building scenarios of what I could have said.

I couldn’t let it go. Then I decided to.

Ultimately, here is what I recognized: while reflection can be valuable, rumination is not. Constantly replaying decisions or “what-if” scenarios is exhausting (at best) and toxic (at worst). I can’t control what he thought or said. What can I control? What I do next: acknowledging what I could do better next time, not what I could have done better then. I can’t change “then.”

The lesson? Less thinking backward and more learning forward. It’s a “next-up” approach. And there are plenty of “next” moments every day.

From our June 2022 newsletter

I started my morning with a stink bug falling on my head. I ended my morning with a second breakfast of perfectly scrambled eggs and crispy bacon.

A good morning? A bad morning? I chose to rate it as a pretty darn good morning. Completely my choice.

How will you view today? Stink or yum? You can choose.

From our May 2022 newsletter

He is abrupt and rude. He is reactionary and lacks tact, often to the point of annoyance. He thinks only about his needs. Bob is a pain. Bob is me.

Well, not always me, thankfully. Yet there are times when I am far from perfect—times that I choose behaviors that are not productive or considerate. I have chosen to give these behaviors a name. And that name is Bob. I do that to acknowledge that they are real and visible. And unless I recognize them, I cannot alter them.

What are your “Bob” behaviors, and do you recognize when they appear? We all have them (him) and acknowledging that is a key step to limiting their appearance.

From our April 2022 newsletter

A terrific time of year if you’re a fan of grit, passion, the underdog, and, oh, basketball. Every team dreams to win it all. '“Dream big,” as the saying goes. Yet while dreaming is the start, it can’t survive on its own. The path to this dream requires a series of bests—being the best team in that moment, in that possession, in that game.

Big dreams (and clear purpose) provide direction. It’s necessary to know where you want to go. But “doing” is what gets us there. No team has won the March Madness tournament in one single moment. But a collection of right moments? That’s the path.

Same with us. We don’t achieve our purpose in one big step. The seemingly impossible becomes possible with the best choices along the way. Dream big. And show up the best you can in each moment.

From our March 2022 newsletter

I was the 56th person to wish her congratulations on her new job—at least as counted by LinkedIn posts. I almost didn’t post the note. “Fifty-six?” I thought. Does one more matter? One more of the same robotic, emotionless, generic greetings? For goodness sake, LinkedIn even finishes the words for you as you type: “Cong…”

We want to express thoughtfulness, but we want to do it fast. We want to express thankfulness, but we want to do it easily. We’re always rushing to the next thing. But really, all there is is now.

Try this once this week: The next time you have an opportunity to congratulate someone (whether you’re the first or the fifty-seventh) pause and make it more than a fleeting obligation while on your way to the “next” task. Taking 60 seconds (versus the 5 seconds) to make it personal will have an impact (on them and you).

Thank you for reading this—really. I spent more than a few moments on it and am grateful you got to the end.

From our February 2022 newsletter

Chocolate chips and pineapple do not mix.

Here’s the scene: I’m eagerly awaiting my chocolate chip ice cream cone when the server accidently dropped my scoop onto the adjacent ice cream tub; a tub of pineapple ice cream. She laughed, scooped up the renegade ice cream ball, embarrassingly placed it onto my cone, and made an additional scoop of pineapple, scrunching it onto my cone. “I’ll still just charge you for the single,” she said happily, smiling brightly. I smiled awkwardly. I do not like pineapple. I especially do not like pineapple with chocolate chips. Yet I accepted the gesture, said nothing, and stepped away to “enjoy” my hybrid-flavored treat.

Intent vs. outcome.

It’s hard to approach unintended results with care and compassion. But sometimes intent should be acknowledged even when results aren’t ideal, i.e. I should have thanked her.

By the way—it wasn’t all that bad. While I will never go out of my way to order pineapple and chocolate chips again, I would have never learned that otherwise.

From our January 2022 newsletter

We’re all reminded this time of year of the opportunity for change. There’s an aura of freshness with the approaching New Year and the appeal of starting over. For many, that means the annual ritual of setting New Year’s resolutions. The #1 New Year’s resolution for 2021 according to Statista was “Doing more fitness / Improving my fitness.”

That was also the top resolution in 2020. And 2019.

Maybe that was yours; maybe not. Given the circumstances of 2021, maybe you stopped working on your resolutions and just wanted to survive the year.

Yet each year we set goals and begin to work on them and then (often) don’t achieve them. If you fall into that category, you’re not alone. If you’re hopeful to achieve better in 2022, try this instead: Set a weekly goal. Do something more (or less) frequently this week. Then set it again the next week. Or establish a new goal each week. A year is a long time and lots can happen. Let’s acknowledge that and use the next 12 months to our advantage.

Setting goals are critical for growth. The research is clear. But don’t get hung up on a 12-month runway to achievement. Shorten the timeline, get feedback, and adjust.

From our December 2021 newsletter

Strengths or weaknesses—on which should I focus? It’s a question I hear often with my coaching clients. The strengths-based leadership model advocates leveraging strengths. Seems like a logical approach. But what about those blind spots you learned about from feedback? Isn’t it also valuable to address areas where you need to improve? Hmm. Also a good perspective. So which is it?

It’s neither and both.

It’s not about strengths vs. weaknesses, it’s about choosing the right behavior for the situation. There will be instances where your strength is a perfect fit for the situation. Yet there are instances where your strength will create tension and dysfunction. Think about it for a moment. Is your ability to thoroughly and deeply analyze a situation always the strength to wield? Or what about your talent to cut through confusion and deliver a decision with little data—Is that always the best option?

Choices. That’s the key. It’s not about leveraging strengths or fixing weakness. Neither is always right or wrong. It’s about deciding when to leverage a strength and when to build a weakness. That is where growth occurs.

From our November 2021 newsletter

This just in. New research claims that a good life does not need to be meaningful. Instead of a life focused on happiness or purpose, a good life is one that is “psychologically rich.” So what’s a psychologically rich life?

According to the research, it is one characterized by “interesting experiences in which novelty and complexity are accompanied by profound changes in perspective.” The researchers went on further to note that individuals with an “openness to experience” were more likely to lead psychologically rich lives.

Hmmm. While the study claims that purpose is not the be-all to a rich life, “openness to experience” may just be the “how” of living a purposeful life. Living a good life is about being open to what life gives us each day and actively pursuing what is interesting over what is not. Think of that as the “how,” while your purpose is the “why.”

Be active. Be open. Be present. But also be a wonderer: what else can I experience?

From our October 2021 newsletter

Positive thinking. I think it works. I’m positive. I think.

In 2005 Marcial Losada and Barbara Frederickson published research claiming that there is an exact number of positive emotional activities required to overcome a single negative encounter. The number they proposed was three. Three positive interactions were needed to overcome that negative one. This research quickly caught on (often referred to as the “Losada Line”) with consultants and coaches, many implementing the idea in practice with eye-catching PowerPoint presentations and YouTube videos. Yet, as scientists do, subsequent research debunked the research, questioning the validity of the number—or any number for that matter. Yet, the practice of encouraging three positive interactions carries on as a staple in team coaching and leadership training. Why? Because what research doesn’t substantiate, action and impact does. More positive interactions are better than less. Period. Does the number really matter? So while theories can sometimes fall out of favor, occasionally one comes along that advocates for something so obviously good that no research is needed to substantiates its value.

So go ahead. Initiate those three positive interactions today. I won’t tell the social scientists.

From our September 2021 newsletter

Willpower is defined as control exerted to do something. Many studies have shown that willpower is the single most important keystone habit for individual success. Research has also shown that willpower isn’t just a skill but more like a muscle. It needs to be practiced, but can also get fatigued.

According to the book, The Power of Habit, it is possible to create a willpower habit — planned response to situations that call for a little extra willpower so as not to “exhaust the muscle.” Maybe the willpower needed to answer that angry customer letter or begin that workout regimen could benefit from a prescribed plan so willpower is not exerted, but a response habit is being created.

We can handle moments of adversity — those that require willpower — with just a little planning.

From our August 2021 newsletter

“When you have a clear purpose and love pursuing it, you become ever more masterful at making contributions that matter. You begin to live for significance rather than success.”

That quote comes from the book The Economics of Higher Purpose. It alludes to the tension we feel when focusing on success at the expense of everything. Simply looking for (or craving) success can suppress growth and development as you may not try things unless you can be “successful.”

From our July 2021 newsletter